pandemic

“Play that restless melody for me again
The one I’ve been so afraid of,
My sweet friend.
Maybe the little refrain will whisper inside the rain again
Play the one with all the changes.”

Al Jarreau- “Something That You Said“

Sometime in the beginning of the pandemic I started talking like Hulk Hogan. Just before everything got shut down I had been making combat daggers for spec ops guys. They had gotten in touch with me asking for “something that you can ram through somebody’s skull.” They all had a particular way of talking to me. The first time I talked to any of them they always addressed me as ‘sir’, and every interaction thereafter was ‘brother’. I really dug that. Even though they were paying me for a service, it made me feel like we were all on the same team and working together.

‘I APPRECIATE YOU, BROTHER!!!’

I found that to be immensely encouraging as I noticed it slipping into my vernacular. The irony of all this happening while I was building them tools of combat to rain down pain is not lost on me.

As Covid started shutting everything down and civil unrest led to riots, I found most of my means of livelihood shut down. Everything was a mess and I was broke trying to pay medical bills. The State Unemployment system was, and is still, a joke. With the murder of George Floyd, and everyone already agitated from lockdown, there was lots aggression and anger. Some of that aggression and anger manifested as marches through the streets, and some escalated to shopping centers being burned down. States of emergency were declared, riot police were dispatched, curfews were instilled, teargas was launched. Most all of this was happening less than a block from where I live, and occasionally it crossed over to the front yard of my building. There were nights where I was afraid someone was going to set my car on fire, which was how close this all was. My Buddhist vegetarian yoga teacher (who didn’t eat meat because it was unkind to animals) told me she was thinking about getting a gun and this did not seem unreasonable to me.

Everyone has the potential to fall prey to their baser of inclinations and move through life as a wrecking ball, especially when a private ambulance company is overdrawing your bank account because your livelihood is shut down like a high school keg party. It was my goal to not do that. During quiet moments at that time, I would check in with myself just to see what was hanging around. I found myself to be full primal rage, an ocean of grief, a profound sense of loss, and a hair-trigger response to any perceived threat. At such a reactive time as it was not too long ago, I found that it took a tremendous amount of courage to be kind and gentle.

During one such quiet moment I asked myself if we could break every interaction down to the very simplest parts of humanity and connection, and just not worry too much about the rest. Maybe we could find a way to let go of the weight of fear and uncertainty, and surrender to the simple joy of quietly going about one’s day. As a result of stripping everything down to the simplest parts of connection during a time of extreme duress, I found myself thinking of the Spec Ops guys for whom I was making daggers. I thought particularly of how in the course of our business I always felt seen and heard, and that my time and talents were respected and honored.

The crux of the Hulk Hogan technique is that it allows the people you interact with to also feel seen and heard. For me it was something that replaced a feeling of despair and hopelessness with a sense of community and belonging. It kept me safe and connected and prevented me from being a wrecking ball, which was what I felt like most of the time. In practice it started every morning with the gentleman selling me my coffee at the market down the street.

“IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU, BROTHER!”

He got some encouragement and I got some coffee. Everybody feels better and has a bit more confidence for their day in a world that is on fire.

As I prepared for my days of shit work to keep myself from being sued by private medical companies, I did my best create disarming moments, as much for myself as the people I interacted with every day, starting with a cup of coffee. There is great power in gentleness, and after all the anger and violence I had experienced, I wanted to see what that practice looked like. Turns out it’s a bit like starting a chainsaw- a gentle but purposeful tug on the pulley cable gives you enough power to take a tree down. Pull too hard and you break the thing.

Ladies I talked to were always “Ma’am”, and anyone I believe to be identifying beyond the binary was always “Cousin”.

In focusing on my interactions with others, I found my crankiness and shit attitudes were curbed. They didn’t go away and I still found myself frustrated at the world, but those moments were much smaller and less consuming. It was much more than an affectation- I had absolutely fuck all going on and this was where I could direct my focus. After such a traumatizing time, this was a way that I could come back to myself and remember who I am and what I do.

Any sort of practice, when diligently observed and worked on, operates on a continuum. It meets you were you are and expands into everything. I was having a drink on my girlfriend’s porch one night when my girlfriend pointed out her neighbor struggling to get a washing machine off his pickup truck. Without thinking I got up and went over.

“BROTHER DO YOU NEED A HAND?!?”

…….

This two knife set was build for a good friend of mine in Tennessee. He got in touch needing something better for his kitchen. During hunting season he and his wife process a lot of deer. After field dressing, a good set of kitchen knives are good second-line tools.

When we spoke over the phone, he had said that while he had needed a set of knives, he had also wanted to throw me some business and help me to practice my craft. As a craftsman himself, he understood. He did to me what I had been doing to everybody else for the past two years, and this build was a lovely experience and testament to the courage of being gentle. I’ve detailed that experience below.

A critical mistake was made here. Rivet holes should always be drilled after the slot is cut and fitted. Lesson learned.

Rough grinding on the Boning knife after hardening.

….and everything did not line up. I broke two drill bits trying to get everything lined up before epoxy cured. Epoxy cured and I have to rip everything apart and figure out what everything wasn’t lined up. This was the third attempt and everything finally went together.

For the Chef we have reclaimed Cherry, recovered from an old mantlepiece.

“Come On, Baby! Do The Magic Hand Thing!”

-Greef Karga, from “The Mandalorian“

I remember, at the age of fourteen, running around my grandmother’s backyard and pretending to have a lightsaber and desperately attempting to feel the Force flowing through me. It was around 1998 or 1999, and I had just seen the special edition of “Return of the Jedi”. Other fourteen year-olds I knew were busy with sports, or having girlfriends, or smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing drugs. In other words, doing nearly anything but pantomiming a nearly fifteen-year-old sci-fi-fantasy film in a relative’s backyard, but there I was. By that point I had been neck deep in the lore of Star Wars for years. I had all the books- from the Jedi Academy series and Tales of the Bounty Hunters, to the books detailing the technical specifications of the weapons, technology, vehicles, and alien races. I played Dark Forces and Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight, Jedi Knight II, Shadows of the Empire, and half a dozen others. I knew the legacies of Dash Rendar, Kyle Katarn, and how to make a Ruby Bliel. I had the soundtrack to all three films, each on double cassette. I hadn’t tasted the kool-aid: I had dove headfirst into a vat of the stuff.

What this type of fixation does in younger people, as any nerd-dom member will tell you, is allows one to cultivate a rich inner life and vivid imagination for things. It also teaches one to see the magic where one would not normally expect to see it. This is why many nerds grow up to be incredibly interesting and capable adults.

On top of this, everyone experiences times when they find it difficult to see the magic in life. Falling down rabbit holes teaches you how to nurture yourself when everything might not be so inspiring. The thing that has always saved me is remembering what it is to feel the mystery of it all. The past year has been an exercise in this. Most of my work has been cancelled due to Covid and as of yet has not come back. No knife shows, no gigs, minimal commissions. One of the bright spots of this whole debacle has been season two of the Mandalorian in the fall and winter of 2020. When you’ve been stuck at home doing menial pandemic work just trying to pay the bills, there are few things like a person of a mysterious creed and badass armor having interstellar adventures with Carl Weathers and Bill Burr and a Force-sensitive baby Yoda. Every week I tuned in like I was fourteen. It’s deeply reassuring to know that during such troubled times there are things to make you remember why you pursue that which you value and help you to feel the magic in everything.

For me this is the beauty of having a small custom knife shop. You can do anything you like. There are limitations, the greatest being time, but almost anything that you can think of you can usually do (provided you have the patience.) In this respect, it’s important to keep the mind limber and receptive to creativity for when the muse strikes us. If I am not inspired, I know how to find those things because I’ve been doing it since I was little. Sometimes it’s podcasts, or a song, or a line from a book, or perhaps even a conversation or something I’ve eaten. Because of the pandemic and not going out into the world in my accustomed fashion, this has been quite challenging most days. If I can stir myself, then i can certainly stir someone with a knife I’ve built. If I’ve done that, then my job is complete.

But sometimes we get commissions where WE are the ones who get stirred. We prefer to do everything in house and make sure the work comes from our own hand. While we don’t outsource tasks very often, occasionally we’ll get a commission that is interesting to us and requires that we do so. I received and email from a very good customer asking if I could get a Mythasaur skull on a custom blade and sheath. I thought of how the Mandalorian was such an oasis during a tough time; my own personal magic-hand-thing. I came up with a design that I hoped could fit a Mandalorian bounty hunter and found a laser engraving company in town. Chase your muse, do the work, and walk your path, don’t give up. It’s a journey but this is the way.